tv drama

I just binge-watch the taiwan drama “Iron-Ladies”.

I know tv dramas are just a fantasy as compared to what life is really supposed to be like.  But I can’t deny the fact that I smiled and laughed so much because of the love shared between the fictional characters.

They shared a beautiful love and they also weathered through many tough times together.

It’s been a long while since I’ve smiled or laughed genuinely when it comes to love.

And just this morning, my best friend was talking about marriage and how he feel secured about it.

For me, I’m not sure. I’ve always been the one to dive right in when it comes to love. But ever since that happened, I’ve been trying to gather the pieces on my own, along with the support of my friends.

Tonight, I suddenly remember all the words you said to me. Thought it doesn’t hurt anymore, those words are just empty shells to me; beautiful but devoid of life.

home is where the heart is

Like the waves that search for the rocks and crashes against it, I hope you have found the peace you have been searching for.

I have always wanted nothing but happiness for you.

I know you have your difficulties. You feel that you are a burden, an emotional baggage to me. But no, you’re not. You are one of the best things that have happened in my life and I will never regret meeting you.

One day, I hope you will realize, that you deserve to be happy. 

I pray that you will come out of it stronger and better.

They say home is where the heart is. There is a home in me that you can always come back to.

Until then, I hope you’ll remember what I said to you.

Love.

 

physically present but emotionally absent

Growing up, Papa and Mummy was physically present in my life, for the most part of it. I mean, I see them every day.

But being physically present doesn’t amount to much when one is emotionally absent. I know that in some cases, being physically present is actually a huge thing. But when one is physically present for almost a decade and still be emotionally absent, that becomes a problem. Well, at least for me, it has.

I don’t dare say that I have a relationship with my Papa and Mummy because for most part, they were never emotionally present for me as child or a teenager. No, I do not blame them because their parents probably were never there for them emotionally as well.

When I was first bullied in primary school, nobody at home knew about it. I remember I was queuing up to buy food during recess. Suddenly, a big chap cuts my queue. I think I was infused with courage since the day I was born. I poked his lower back because I was that short back then. He turned to look down at me and I said “Hey, you’re cutting the queue.”. He lowered down to me, whispered in my ear and pinched my chest while saying “so what?” and proceeds to turn back to the queue. What was I supposed to do then? I felt so useless and scared.

I didn’t tell anyone. Back then, nobody taught me to be vulnerable at home. There wasn’t any “you can be honest with me and tell me how you feel.”. I kept that secret with me and only told my friends when we recounted about primary school.

You see, with my parents not being emotionally present caused a big deal of my life spent on dealing with issues on my own. I didn’t have any adult figures to turn to. It was only a few years later in church, I found some mentors that taught me certain important values and help me to troubleshoot some problems in my life. It was a very draining and tiring process because I keep going back to my problems but I am glad some of them did not give up on me and was able to see the gem in me.

What am I saying? Be emotionally present for you family members and in the future, your children. They are going to need it some day. When they get bullied, when they flunged an exam paper, when they go through a break up, when they get betrayed by their friends, when they are a mess and do not know if they can carry on doing life anymore.

Family is supposed to be one of the most important thing in our life.

Nothing is better than going home to family and eating good food and relaxing
-Irina Shayk

One day, I will sit at the dining table with my wife and children, enjoying the dishes I cook. And I will ask about their day and what are their struggles. I want to be physically and emotionally there for them.

 

courage of a lion

Coming into 2018, I felt an immediate change of atmosphere. It feels like this is a fresh start of a brand new level, an advanced level. Think Super Mario, you clear the stage, seize the flag and you move on to the next stage which is harder.

2017 was an intense year. A very difficult year. I felt so crushed and hard-pressed in every way. I wasn’t able to do what I want, failed to hit the mark I set for myself and I disappointed so many people and myself. I am glad 2017 is over and I am glad I went through what I needed to in 2017.

Fast forward to the second day of 2018, I felt a quickening in my heart. I felt called to be Raw. So Raw that when God speaks, my heart will not be harden at any one point of time because there is such a tenderness of a child’s heart.

This year, I set out to be a good man, one that radiates Christ. To put away unnecessary yada-ing and use my mouth to stand for purity. I know that I am not very pure in the eyes of the world but I know my God has made me pure and I want to learn to be pure. It is going to be very difficult but it will be worth it.

The world is in a mess, abortion going on everywhere. How can scientist deem a microscopic organism a living thing but deny a fetus and call it just a tissue. Sex rampant cities. Love equates to Sex.  “if you stop having sex with me, it means that you don’t love me anymore”. The word Love is being twisted to suit individual’s tasting.

In love, there is freedom. And this freedom doesn’t give us the license to do whatever we want. To do whatever we want, that is lust.

So in 2018, I ask for courage of a lion, to do the right things, to be used as a vessel and to set the world on a different course in their pursuit of Love.

 

I want to love like You

Daddy, make me just like you. Father, make me just like you. In my weakness, I still do desire to be like you.

I feel I have got something to prove, so in all of my ways I try to get there and go it alone. You’re always waiting, just waiting for me to let You help.

Let me risk it all, just to be like You.

I want to risk it all and love like You do.

I want the world to know Your love through the abilities and strengths that you have given me. I want to change the world with your love because you once told me “My love conquers everything.”. I don’t understand how and I don’t see it how but teach me and guide me.

You are Love.